snowy days....

wow who knew that we would ring in March with a winter wonderland? Certainly not me! I thought i'd take a minute to not talk about such down stuff going on with Jacob but instead talk about the incredible fun we had today playing in the snow!

Picture it, Sunday March 1st 1:00pm....I go to pick up Jacob from mam-maws and decide to head to Target to get a new shower curtain for the new house. While we are there, mom calls and says it is really coming down! Um excuse what is coming down? When we left and got to Target is was doing nothing more than spitting at us. Oh no Rebekah it is coming down now! Like the sky has opened up and dumping white powder all over us! Great! I decide to look for some gloves because Jacob has managed to lose every pair I bought him this year! Well guess what???? What you say - It's freaking March 1st there are no gloves, mittens, hand wraps out!!! However there are plenty of shorts, tank tops and sandals out!! So I am thinking that since the weather has barely even talked about the potential snow we will probably not get much! Jacob and I leave Target only to find it spitting and sleeting a bit.

When we get home mom calls AGAIN and says - "seriously it is really coming down" - again I tell her that we are getting nothing so I am not even trying to get out the winter stuff! This was about 4pm. At 4:02, I literally look outside and the heavens have opened up and it is snowing like it has never snowed before! So I call Jacob over to the window to show him....he is not very impressed because every time it has snowed this year he has gotten excited and it stopped! But it wasn't stopping! So I decide to pull out the winter stuff - but wait, where in the hell are his boots? and where are my boots? Ok problem diverted, I found them! So we bundled up and head out! This is what i saw when we walked out:

I couldn't believe it! We have lived here for almost 3 years and never an ounce of snow to cover my yard and now we are getting pounded! Can you see how big the snowflakes are? Huge! Jacob and I decide to take a walk with our girl sassie - side note; this is the first snowfall that sassie has been with us! They both loved it:

We kept watching the snow fall all night long and it never stopped! My gosh what a sight when we woke up Monday morning! School and day care had closed sunday night so I was wondering if it would really be that bad?? It was and it had no end in sight!

We called friends of ours and got a plan together! We were going to Bryan Park to do some sledding! But first I had to clean off the car! While I was doing that, Sassie's boyfriend Moose came over to play! I went in to get the camera and when I came back out Sassie was running around and came right behind me and knocked me slam on my ass!!! She took my feet right out from under me! Haha

I got the car cleaned off and we headed to the park for some sledding:

We ended the day at mam-maw's....ahhh couldn't have had a better day!

schools have already been closed for tomorrow! i am expecting lots of snow play tomorrow....only it won't be with mommy! she will have to be at work! booo

February 14, 2009 - what is it with this day.....

seriously what is it with this day? oh i know, i'm a big sappy, romantic at heart fool who loves getting a pretty or two on this day.

it's been so long since i've had that special someone to give or receive from i can't even remember what it feels like????? please spare me the oh you will find someone crap. sorry, but it's true. i get so sick of people saying oh bek you will find him, he's still out there. and my favorite, he will come when it's your time. please excuse my language BUT what the hell is that bullshit??? Hmmmm..... i'm waiting! What have I done to make my soul mate take his sweet ass time?

I look around at everyone I know with their husbands or boyfriends and get so jealous. It sucks because I will be 32 in 4 months (holy shit that just hit me!!!) and want to have another baby or two (holy shit i can't believe i just threw in two, OMG). I would prefer to not have babies when I am 40!

so anyways, back to this valentines day mumbo jumbo! i love this day! i always have! i love sending valentines with jacob to school. i love driving by the florists and see the window displays. i love the thought of someone calling me on valentines day and telling me something so sweet that i don't normally hear the other 364 days in the year. im probably in the minority when it comes to loving valentines day!

i waited all day thinking that maybe my special someone would have sent me a message or called me but NOPE i got nothing. please don't pity me.....this is what us crazy people call bitching!

so what is with this day???......it's a day that i love and will continue to love. check back in 1 year from today to see if my blog reads anything different.

to those who have that special someone, give them a special hug and kiss

to those who are longing/looking for that special someone, meet me at the bar (lol, just kidding!)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

the youngest is growing up....

So a lot has happened over the last few weeks.....let me recap for you.

december 26th: i had resolved the fact i was not going to hit month, quarter, or year! shit this sucks because i went from on top to the bottom - no ordinarily going from top to bottom isn't a bad thing, lol. sorry had to make you laugh!

december 31st: the largest company i was competing to earn its business PICKED ME! this put me NUMBER ONE in my company for the SECOND YEAR in a row! Yep stupid, jealous boys i beat ya!

january 8th: '09 sales meeting for entire company meets. my coo recognizes me and says that this is the single largest deal by a commercial rep in all 19 years of cobb! WOW!! this made those stupid boys referenced on december 31st even more jealous....and girls you think we can draw the claws....not on this day! any way i digress....the deal was worth $170,694!!!! it isn't about beating the boys - i mean that is great and all - but i have to make my goal that is set for me and i was only at $398,888.00 when the final day of the year approached. i couldn't believe how perfect this was.

january 8th: i begin house hunting! i know this is so crazy but the market is great for buyers right now!

january 9th: i go to see a house that is right across the street from a good friend of mine - our sons play so well together and this would be perfect for them to grow up together! the house is really quaint, needs some work but on the surface looks ok. elizabeth, the realtor, and i spend about an hour looking around and decide to come back on sunday with mom.

i continue to look around because my uncle now has the inspection they did on the house back in october. it's 29pgs long with pictures that look scary to me.

january 10th: i text elizabeth late that night about a house i have been going back n forth with for about 2 months now. it is quite a lovely home and been completely renovated but it is small and almost on the cusp of out of my price range. i decide to go ahead request we look at it. i don't need big but i do need move in ready

january 11th: uncle doug calls me and says no way to the house i saw on friday. he said it has too much water damage and clearly has some unresolved leaks. that was all i needed to hear.

elizabeth calls me and says we can get into the other house at 1pm if i want to.....heck yeah! lets just do it.

mom, jacob and i show up at the house and when i walk in there is instant comfort. i just feel at home with it. remember the warm fuzzy feeling you got when you walked into your first house? that is what i felt! i walked around for 45min and said lets get an offer in tomorrow morning! it had been on the market for 130 days with no offers so i was thinking i could low ball and get a good deal out of it!

january 12th: elizabeth and i make an offer! 5 hours later the couple counters with full asking price and ALL closing costs paid. i counter with another price and still ALL closing costs paid. they come back about an hour later with another price and i come back with my final offer and ALL closing costs. they spend the night thinking about it and....

january 13th: my offer is accepted!!! YEAH!

i am doing the inspection on monday january 19th and the appraisal the same day. we are planning on closing on march 11th! i can't believe i am going to be a home owner!!!

i have left out some portions of the events to spare you the agony of reading them....things like my dad flipping out because he is soooo scared for me, my realtor getting on my every last nerve and me almost convinced that she doesn't have my best interest at heart. oh and lets not forget my dad calling my mom concerned about me!!! side note: they have been divorced for some 14years!

please enjoy some pictures of what i am hoping will be my beautiful home:

Christmas recap....

I read on someones blog that they only do 3 gifts for each of their kids at Christmas. This got me thinking what a wonderful idea because of events that happened not once or twice but three times on Christmas day.

My son, Jacob, woke up at 6am, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, and found a Christmas tree surrounded by gifts. He couldn't take it so we got up about 6:30am to start the process. Well the process only lasted about 30 minutes. He flew threw his gifts and was done by 7am! Holy crap, what to do with the rest of the morning? He got a couple of remote control cars so the morning was spent playing with them in his jamma's and shoes on the neighbors driveway. He loved them! There was one point when he got sad because he didn't get the game system he wanted! Well mom just can't bring herself to get one for the house. Sorry!

There was also a point after the gifts were opened that the question arose; "do I have anymore gifts to open?" I kinda expected this from a 5 year old because we have all done it. I explained to him that Santa did a great job with his gifts and he needed to be happy about them. He understood and went on his way.

My brother, Heather, JJ, Jonathon and Zach arrived about 10:30am for the first family Christmas. The boys played for some time while we all talked and cleaned up and started cooking for the Christmas dinner. I just have say this - my nephew Zach is the cutest boy ever. He just has this old man look about him and his expression Christmas day was priceless!

The boys opened their gifts from Mam Maw, Aunt Bek, and Mike and Heather. Mam Maw really out did herself this year (did she win the lottery and not tell me???)! The boys loved their gifts. But once all the paper was thrown away, both JJ and Jacob came up to me and said; "do I have anymore presents?" Ok this was the 2nd time for both me and Mike. Heather really got upset but again it's their age and you just need to teach them to be happy with what they have. It is a hard thing to do but it can be done! I have already started!!!

Mike and Heather had to take JJ out to meet his father but I invited them to come back over for Christmas dinner after they did that. I never thought in a million trillion years they would do that since there hasn't been any real contact between them and my aunt maria and her family for some time. Mike and David had a HUGE falling out when they lived together and haven't spoken since. That has been about 5 years ago.

Mike actually said they would like to come back! I was thrilled. So about 2pm my very small house had A LOT of people in it! This is what I love though. I have my grandmothers spirit when it comes to the holidays! She always expected the entire family to be together for any holiday approaching but definitely on Christmas Day. So I was overjoyed that for the first time in a long time I had the majority of my family together. I was happier that everyone was getting along! You didn't feel that tension like you had to talk to one side and then leave them to go to the other side. Everyone talked and got along! My grandma was looking down on my house smiling. I think that is why it was so beautiful and warm - her smile warmed the skies!

Everyone left around 7pm or so - fat and happy! My brother text me a while later when Jacob and I were cuddling on the couch and thanked me for having them over today. I told him that I was so happy that things were left in the past and we could all move forward. He said that he is just concerned with making things right with me and mom. WOW what a statement for someone who didn't want to have anything to do with us for a long time! I told him that it is important to me to have my whole family engaged again. Grandma has been turning in her grave because of the childish behavior that has been going on. But Christmas day made me a believer again that we can all be a family.

I believe that when grandma passed away in 1994 she left me the means, desire, passion and heart to keep the family going strong. For a long time I thought I had failed because of relatives I choose not to name. But after Christmas day I know that sometimes life just needs to take some detours to get to where it really needs to be. I think she is sitting on my shoulder smiling. This Christmas was for you, Grandma! I love you very much!

My two best friends and I always go to the Melting Pot for our Christmas dinner. We always do highs and lows for the year. This year was the first time in a long time I didn't have any lows. My high was having my family in the same house and having a relationship with my brother. We've never really had one, so this is a good start!

Like I said at the beginning of the post, someone said they only give their kids 3 gifts each. I think for next year this is what I am going to do. There won't be one big gift but 3 super special gifts. I want to start volunteering our time during the year but especially on Christmas and Thanksgiving day. I want Jacob to understand that even though he doesn't get that game system he really wanted that he did get a lot of great gifts from Santa but there are boys and girls that live in our neighborhood that don't have anything. I want my son to realize that it is up to us to make a difference. He has the power to make a difference. I want my son to know that giving back and paying it forward only make us better people. It makes no difference to me if I am recognized for the work I do in the community. I don't put it on my resume or bring it up in conversation - it would take away from me feeling good about myself inside. I volunteer for all that I do because I want to help make a difference in a child's life and their family's. I would rather see a smile on a child's face because they got a Christmas present any present at all than to have gotten nothing.

So my wish for the new year is to start a mission with Jacob and eventually bring it to his school. I want to educate him on what we can do for the community and environment. I want him to know that even if it is something small to him, it means the world to someone else.

It's not about the presents you get from Santa; it's about the feeling you get inside from helping others.

mothers and daughters....

facebook is a wonderful place to reconnect with friends of the past. this is what has happened with a girl i knew when i was in high school. we recently reconnected about a month ago and have been trying to plan time to hang out. our plans were put aside because of some news i received yesterday. this woman, who is only 30 years old, lost her mother who had just turned 50 in november. it's amazing the enormous amount of pain you can feel for someone you haven't even seen in over 12 years. i have cried and thought of how awful she must be feeling right now. i have also been thinking of her 3 children she has. her oldest was especially close to her mammy. this of course made me think of my pud and his mam maw. they are closer than two people could ever be! sometimes i get so jealous but then i think of the bond that my grandma and i shared. no one could touch that! i was the worst day of my life when i lost her. i replay it every year on the anniversary of her funeral. how could i forget it? they buried her the first day of my senior year. what a way to start that.

the one thing i really remember was at the viewing were all of my friends came to show their love and support. what was interesting were the number of people that i was not close to. people are interesting when something horrible happens. it's like everything that has ever happened is pushed aside and they are just there for you. that was a blessing.

i wanted to let my mom and pud's mam maw know that i love her very much and am not ready to say good bye. remember you are not allowed to leave this earth until i say so....and im not saying nuttin!!

i have attached the website for the blog my friend placed. it describes what happened and how odd december 1, 2008 was for her.

god bless to everyone....please hug your family and friends a little tighter tonight....

http://morellichaos.blogspot.com/2008/12/long-monday.html

lots of hugs my friend....

Gaman and Giri

I was reading a post from someone who was a big part of my teenage years. I go to his site occassionaly to see what new and exciting things are happening in his life. Only this time he wrote of a man he had the priviledge of listening to at a conference he attended in Boston.

He said that during this particular speech two things stuck out more than anything he heard. In fact he said that he hopes he can hand them down to his boys as they get older. I hope he doesn't mind that I am copying and pasting some of what he wrote on to my blog. We can share, can't we Doug?

So here it is:

One of the featured speakers at the conference in Boston was Fred Hoshiyama. Fred is a YMCA legend with an unbelievable life story - from his time in the American Internment camps set up for the Japanese (where he and his family of 7 lived in horse stall), to opening the Japanese YMCA in San Francisco to everyone, not just Japanese Americans., He studied at Yale divinity school, received his Masters degree, has raised a family and fought prostate cancer. He volunteers his time to travel around the country encouraging YMCA staff by sharing his life-story, which has included the YMCA since basically his birth. And on top of all this he is 93 and sharp as a tack.
I've heard him speak before, but this time I picked up 2 things that I hope to keep with me and hand down to my children. He shared that his mother sacrificed much to raise him and his 5 other brothers and sisters, since his father had passed away while Fred was just a young child. He also said that he remembered 2 things she taught him. One was Gaman. He said that it is hard to literally translate from Japanese, but basically it means suck it up and hope for a better tomorrow. Hearing a 93 year old say "suck it up" caused the group to burst into laughter! There are many times in life that are tough - they just plain suck. So we gaman. We suck it up and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I like that it isn't just saying to "toughen up, buttercup," but it also encourages us to hope.
The second idea was that of Giri - when you owe a debt, you must cheerfully repay it. The conditions in the internment camps were terrible - fenced, surrounded with barbed wire, with nothing for the children to do. So Fred went up to a guard and asked to make a phone call. Within 2 days, YMCA members from San Francisco brought out toys and games and sports equipment. His mother explained to him and his brothers and sisters that they had been given a great gift and they must find a way to giri.
So remember, when things are tough, and roads seem to dead-end, and the sky is dark . . . gaman. The sun will come out again - guaranteed.
And those to whom much is given - giri. We have all be blessed in so many ways, and we need to show thanks for those blessings by giving our time, talents, and treasures to those less fortunate.

If you have read my blog you know that I have been having a hard time over the last month with Jacob. If ever God was to challenge me, it clearly is now. Things are starting to pick up and I am hopeful, finally. I don't cry as much but instead smile a lot more. I don't raise my voice as much but tell Jacob in a nice calm way that what he is doing or how he is speaking to me is unacceptable. It's funny (not haha) but I think it is bothering him that he isn't getting to me anymore! Finally a 5 year old hasn't broken me! I feel like shouting everyday GAMAN!!!! I have hope that there will be sunny skies tomorrow. Kinda feels like the production of Annie I played in, in the 1st grade!

Jacob started fresh today at school. I had his teacher changed and Mrs. Brinkley came to be there if he needed her. The cool thing is that she didn't go in the class but instead just kept popping her head to see if he needed her. He didn't need her. His new teacher said that she had to speak to him a couple of times but that was it. I didn't get any phone calls or emails or notes home. In fact he said that he had a "green" day. In kindergarten terms that means he had a great day!

It is going to take time, lots of time but as long as we all just work together he will make it.

can you ever run out of everything....?

let me start by saying that i am not going to use this next post for pity on myself or sympathy or whatever else you want to call it. i simply need a way to get it off my chest without having to say it aloud.

can you ever run out of everything? that is my question these days. i mean can you run out of the drive, the will power, the push to keep things looking up. or how about the energy to keep it up? the answer is YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! as a parent you have no choice - well my beliefs say you have no choice. you work to make your child better than you are. you do whatever it takes to help them succeed in life. no matter how many sleepless nights worrying if tomorrow he will get thru circle time without needing attention or how many times a day you cry because all you want is for him to collect all his smiley faces. so yes i can run out of everything i have but i continue no matter what because i can't imagine my pud not making it.

i haven't written in a few weeks because well i have been running on fumes. i have thought long and hard about even putting any of this in print because of what people might think. i know it sounds stupid but if you know me, you know i am a pleaser. i do for the good of others. i love to make others happy and smile no matter at what cost. i try to create this perfect image of me and my family that it is driving me fucking insane! please excuse the curse words...i must warn you that i have been very sad and angry over the last few weeks because of what i am dealing with and need to unleash.

ok so here goes.....i always had this picture of pud going to school as this monumental event. i would send him off and he would do so well. we are so far from well it is killing me. pud is having a rough time adjusting. i really did think it was adjusting to a larger classroom, new teacher and just the atmosphere as a whole. well it isn't. tomorrow we enter the 4th week of school and pud won't be there. i met last week to talk to some people at the school because of his behavior. he has not been able to communicate when he is angry. which makes me laugh still to this day because he has had NO problem telling me! the difference - his class is 20 kids and at home its just him. we worked on some goals, strategies, and "discipline" actions to impose on him. jacob is no different from any other child. he is sensitive and doesn't like to know you are mad at him by you raising your voice. he is ok knowing you are mad but shuts down when you raise your voice. hell i can understand that because honestly folks who the f*ck likes to be yelled at???? and you are lying if you say you don't care. this just fuels the fire for him. he basically goes from 0 to 10 in seconds and deescalating takes some time. he has spent a significant amount of time outside of the classroom with certain people because of this. the observer that came in was able to pinpoint certain times of day that his temper is more likely to be worse than others. she even said that mondays are the worst for him. he doesn't really have a true routine at home on the weekends and then goes to school on monday still in that mentality. i can understand that he has trouble with that, shit i would! the behavior hasn't gotten any better. so now next week starting on tuesday he will be attending this "academy" to work on socialization skills. he will be there from tuesday thru friday.

thursday i got the phone call (much like i had since day one) which said it might be best for jacob to just come home. he was really struggling and just needed to come down. so i went to get him. of course i was on my way to an appointment because lets remember folks that in order for us to have a nice house, truck, and all those freaking toys I HAVE TO WORK!!! but i told them i would be there to pick him up right away. i have gotten over being angry when i get a phone call because i am resolved to the fact that he can't control it. think of a kid with ADHD (i HATE labels but work with me ok), they can't sit still for any amount of time, they seem to have more energy in their little bodies than if someone who didn't have it ate an extra large pixie stick straw!!! well pud is just like that only with his temper. my mother, god love her, found this article which talked about uncontrollable displaced temper. i have taken the liberty of diagnosing pud with this. he fit every symptom to the T. i read examples and damn if they didn't match what pud was doing. so how can i be made it someone who can't control this. i can't! that is what kills me! i want to be so angry with him for not listening or crawling under the table or throwing a temper tantrum while every child in the whole school watcher. but i can't! so what do i do??? i come home and just be sad that i can't just fix it. so anyways, i brought him home and we briefly talked about what happened.

when i was in the office signing the paperwork to bring him home the resource teacher was telling me what happened. i will spare you the details because well just because. the thing that made me so very mad was that she was telling me all of this stuff in front of pud. one thing that you will NEVER find me do is talk about him in front of him. i think it is rude and just reemphasizes the behavior. so we won't be doing that anymore!

i had a lot of time to think thursday since i picked him up before they had lunch! i immediately got to searching for ways to resolve this. i made it my mission to find my own cure-all for my sweet boy. i knew that we had back to school night later that night and would be able to talk to the principal. let me just say that i have only ever met one other principal that i have admired so much. pud is very lucky to have him watching out and on his side!

i decided that i needed to make it a formal request to have jacob switched to a different teacher. back in march i told them what type of teacher he would do well with. they didn't listen so this is where we are now. i emailed the principal and at school later that night i asked to speak with him. i wanted more information on this program is must attend next week and to discuss switching teachers. he was all about it. he wants to try anything he can to make this a successful year for pud. so we are going to make plans to meet on tuesday to discuss the move.

friday was a f*cking nightmare! it was grandparents day for the KG's so mom was going to go and have lunch with pud. i of course got the call that things were just not going too well today. the resource teacher said that she didn't think it would be appropriate for mom to have lunch with him and i should call to stop her from coming. well hey honey it was already 10:20am and considering they eat lunch at 10:30am there was no time to stop her. i felt so bad for mom. she walked right into WW3. she told him that she couldn't stay. she said he was crying so bad and saying no no no and clinging to her. you would think that she was throwing him to the wolves. part of that display was because he loves his grandma more than anyone in the entire world and thought maybe that would get her to stay or just take him with her. she didn't stay long and cried on the phone to me that she felt so bad for him. i hated that school did that to her. i understand why they did it and know that if she hadn't shown up to tell him, he would have thought she just forgot. so it was a catch 22 for her.

the nice thing is that school did call her and tell her that pud was fine about 10min after she left and gave hugs and got his lunch. i debating for an hour whether or not to go and get him. i decided not to because i needed to make some more phone calls. this time was to find someone for him to talk to. i have decided to get him involved in play therapy. my best friend is a social worker and lives by this. and i don't trust to many peoples opinions but if she says do it, i will do it! so i found this wonderful facility and spoke with the play therapist about what she does and how it works. she sounds so delightful. i hope that she can figure out why he is so angry? we go to this on wednesday for our first appt. i am also going to have her speak with the school to get some feedback on what they have experienced.

please pray for pud that this is the best decision for him....

as a mother you only want the best for your child. you want to make sure they do well in everything they try. you want to make sure they have friends to play with. you want to make sure they know they are so loved no matter what. you want them to understand that the choices they make have rewards or consequences that follow. you want for them to know how to love others they way you have loved them.

i never said this would be easy. i knew it wouldn't. it's funny to....i tell a very good friend of mine that things might be different if i was married or i had a man in my life - shit even if pud had a man in his life. my friend says he doesn't believe that would solve everything. i am not saying it would solve the concerns but it might, just maybe help minimize them just a little bit. don't you? i don't have any men in my life that are constant or that i even trust as a role model for my son. that is the sad thing. i am mom and dad collectively. funny that sometimes mom and dad fight in my head over what to do!

i am hoping that this week turns out to be just a hair better than the last 3. damn we can only go up from here! i believe in you pud! i know you want everyone to see what a wonderfully smart and talented boy you are! they will sweetie, i promise!

can you ever run out of everything? yes but when i am running low - i look at the most precious treasure i have - JCF aka pud!