Christmas recap....

I read on someones blog that they only do 3 gifts for each of their kids at Christmas. This got me thinking what a wonderful idea because of events that happened not once or twice but three times on Christmas day.

My son, Jacob, woke up at 6am, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, and found a Christmas tree surrounded by gifts. He couldn't take it so we got up about 6:30am to start the process. Well the process only lasted about 30 minutes. He flew threw his gifts and was done by 7am! Holy crap, what to do with the rest of the morning? He got a couple of remote control cars so the morning was spent playing with them in his jamma's and shoes on the neighbors driveway. He loved them! There was one point when he got sad because he didn't get the game system he wanted! Well mom just can't bring herself to get one for the house. Sorry!

There was also a point after the gifts were opened that the question arose; "do I have anymore gifts to open?" I kinda expected this from a 5 year old because we have all done it. I explained to him that Santa did a great job with his gifts and he needed to be happy about them. He understood and went on his way.

My brother, Heather, JJ, Jonathon and Zach arrived about 10:30am for the first family Christmas. The boys played for some time while we all talked and cleaned up and started cooking for the Christmas dinner. I just have say this - my nephew Zach is the cutest boy ever. He just has this old man look about him and his expression Christmas day was priceless!

The boys opened their gifts from Mam Maw, Aunt Bek, and Mike and Heather. Mam Maw really out did herself this year (did she win the lottery and not tell me???)! The boys loved their gifts. But once all the paper was thrown away, both JJ and Jacob came up to me and said; "do I have anymore presents?" Ok this was the 2nd time for both me and Mike. Heather really got upset but again it's their age and you just need to teach them to be happy with what they have. It is a hard thing to do but it can be done! I have already started!!!

Mike and Heather had to take JJ out to meet his father but I invited them to come back over for Christmas dinner after they did that. I never thought in a million trillion years they would do that since there hasn't been any real contact between them and my aunt maria and her family for some time. Mike and David had a HUGE falling out when they lived together and haven't spoken since. That has been about 5 years ago.

Mike actually said they would like to come back! I was thrilled. So about 2pm my very small house had A LOT of people in it! This is what I love though. I have my grandmothers spirit when it comes to the holidays! She always expected the entire family to be together for any holiday approaching but definitely on Christmas Day. So I was overjoyed that for the first time in a long time I had the majority of my family together. I was happier that everyone was getting along! You didn't feel that tension like you had to talk to one side and then leave them to go to the other side. Everyone talked and got along! My grandma was looking down on my house smiling. I think that is why it was so beautiful and warm - her smile warmed the skies!

Everyone left around 7pm or so - fat and happy! My brother text me a while later when Jacob and I were cuddling on the couch and thanked me for having them over today. I told him that I was so happy that things were left in the past and we could all move forward. He said that he is just concerned with making things right with me and mom. WOW what a statement for someone who didn't want to have anything to do with us for a long time! I told him that it is important to me to have my whole family engaged again. Grandma has been turning in her grave because of the childish behavior that has been going on. But Christmas day made me a believer again that we can all be a family.

I believe that when grandma passed away in 1994 she left me the means, desire, passion and heart to keep the family going strong. For a long time I thought I had failed because of relatives I choose not to name. But after Christmas day I know that sometimes life just needs to take some detours to get to where it really needs to be. I think she is sitting on my shoulder smiling. This Christmas was for you, Grandma! I love you very much!

My two best friends and I always go to the Melting Pot for our Christmas dinner. We always do highs and lows for the year. This year was the first time in a long time I didn't have any lows. My high was having my family in the same house and having a relationship with my brother. We've never really had one, so this is a good start!

Like I said at the beginning of the post, someone said they only give their kids 3 gifts each. I think for next year this is what I am going to do. There won't be one big gift but 3 super special gifts. I want to start volunteering our time during the year but especially on Christmas and Thanksgiving day. I want Jacob to understand that even though he doesn't get that game system he really wanted that he did get a lot of great gifts from Santa but there are boys and girls that live in our neighborhood that don't have anything. I want my son to realize that it is up to us to make a difference. He has the power to make a difference. I want my son to know that giving back and paying it forward only make us better people. It makes no difference to me if I am recognized for the work I do in the community. I don't put it on my resume or bring it up in conversation - it would take away from me feeling good about myself inside. I volunteer for all that I do because I want to help make a difference in a child's life and their family's. I would rather see a smile on a child's face because they got a Christmas present any present at all than to have gotten nothing.

So my wish for the new year is to start a mission with Jacob and eventually bring it to his school. I want to educate him on what we can do for the community and environment. I want him to know that even if it is something small to him, it means the world to someone else.

It's not about the presents you get from Santa; it's about the feeling you get inside from helping others.

mothers and daughters....

facebook is a wonderful place to reconnect with friends of the past. this is what has happened with a girl i knew when i was in high school. we recently reconnected about a month ago and have been trying to plan time to hang out. our plans were put aside because of some news i received yesterday. this woman, who is only 30 years old, lost her mother who had just turned 50 in november. it's amazing the enormous amount of pain you can feel for someone you haven't even seen in over 12 years. i have cried and thought of how awful she must be feeling right now. i have also been thinking of her 3 children she has. her oldest was especially close to her mammy. this of course made me think of my pud and his mam maw. they are closer than two people could ever be! sometimes i get so jealous but then i think of the bond that my grandma and i shared. no one could touch that! i was the worst day of my life when i lost her. i replay it every year on the anniversary of her funeral. how could i forget it? they buried her the first day of my senior year. what a way to start that.

the one thing i really remember was at the viewing were all of my friends came to show their love and support. what was interesting were the number of people that i was not close to. people are interesting when something horrible happens. it's like everything that has ever happened is pushed aside and they are just there for you. that was a blessing.

i wanted to let my mom and pud's mam maw know that i love her very much and am not ready to say good bye. remember you are not allowed to leave this earth until i say so....and im not saying nuttin!!

i have attached the website for the blog my friend placed. it describes what happened and how odd december 1, 2008 was for her.

god bless to everyone....please hug your family and friends a little tighter tonight....

http://morellichaos.blogspot.com/2008/12/long-monday.html

lots of hugs my friend....

Gaman and Giri

I was reading a post from someone who was a big part of my teenage years. I go to his site occassionaly to see what new and exciting things are happening in his life. Only this time he wrote of a man he had the priviledge of listening to at a conference he attended in Boston.

He said that during this particular speech two things stuck out more than anything he heard. In fact he said that he hopes he can hand them down to his boys as they get older. I hope he doesn't mind that I am copying and pasting some of what he wrote on to my blog. We can share, can't we Doug?

So here it is:

One of the featured speakers at the conference in Boston was Fred Hoshiyama. Fred is a YMCA legend with an unbelievable life story - from his time in the American Internment camps set up for the Japanese (where he and his family of 7 lived in horse stall), to opening the Japanese YMCA in San Francisco to everyone, not just Japanese Americans., He studied at Yale divinity school, received his Masters degree, has raised a family and fought prostate cancer. He volunteers his time to travel around the country encouraging YMCA staff by sharing his life-story, which has included the YMCA since basically his birth. And on top of all this he is 93 and sharp as a tack.
I've heard him speak before, but this time I picked up 2 things that I hope to keep with me and hand down to my children. He shared that his mother sacrificed much to raise him and his 5 other brothers and sisters, since his father had passed away while Fred was just a young child. He also said that he remembered 2 things she taught him. One was Gaman. He said that it is hard to literally translate from Japanese, but basically it means suck it up and hope for a better tomorrow. Hearing a 93 year old say "suck it up" caused the group to burst into laughter! There are many times in life that are tough - they just plain suck. So we gaman. We suck it up and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I like that it isn't just saying to "toughen up, buttercup," but it also encourages us to hope.
The second idea was that of Giri - when you owe a debt, you must cheerfully repay it. The conditions in the internment camps were terrible - fenced, surrounded with barbed wire, with nothing for the children to do. So Fred went up to a guard and asked to make a phone call. Within 2 days, YMCA members from San Francisco brought out toys and games and sports equipment. His mother explained to him and his brothers and sisters that they had been given a great gift and they must find a way to giri.
So remember, when things are tough, and roads seem to dead-end, and the sky is dark . . . gaman. The sun will come out again - guaranteed.
And those to whom much is given - giri. We have all be blessed in so many ways, and we need to show thanks for those blessings by giving our time, talents, and treasures to those less fortunate.

If you have read my blog you know that I have been having a hard time over the last month with Jacob. If ever God was to challenge me, it clearly is now. Things are starting to pick up and I am hopeful, finally. I don't cry as much but instead smile a lot more. I don't raise my voice as much but tell Jacob in a nice calm way that what he is doing or how he is speaking to me is unacceptable. It's funny (not haha) but I think it is bothering him that he isn't getting to me anymore! Finally a 5 year old hasn't broken me! I feel like shouting everyday GAMAN!!!! I have hope that there will be sunny skies tomorrow. Kinda feels like the production of Annie I played in, in the 1st grade!

Jacob started fresh today at school. I had his teacher changed and Mrs. Brinkley came to be there if he needed her. The cool thing is that she didn't go in the class but instead just kept popping her head to see if he needed her. He didn't need her. His new teacher said that she had to speak to him a couple of times but that was it. I didn't get any phone calls or emails or notes home. In fact he said that he had a "green" day. In kindergarten terms that means he had a great day!

It is going to take time, lots of time but as long as we all just work together he will make it.

can you ever run out of everything....?

let me start by saying that i am not going to use this next post for pity on myself or sympathy or whatever else you want to call it. i simply need a way to get it off my chest without having to say it aloud.

can you ever run out of everything? that is my question these days. i mean can you run out of the drive, the will power, the push to keep things looking up. or how about the energy to keep it up? the answer is YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! as a parent you have no choice - well my beliefs say you have no choice. you work to make your child better than you are. you do whatever it takes to help them succeed in life. no matter how many sleepless nights worrying if tomorrow he will get thru circle time without needing attention or how many times a day you cry because all you want is for him to collect all his smiley faces. so yes i can run out of everything i have but i continue no matter what because i can't imagine my pud not making it.

i haven't written in a few weeks because well i have been running on fumes. i have thought long and hard about even putting any of this in print because of what people might think. i know it sounds stupid but if you know me, you know i am a pleaser. i do for the good of others. i love to make others happy and smile no matter at what cost. i try to create this perfect image of me and my family that it is driving me fucking insane! please excuse the curse words...i must warn you that i have been very sad and angry over the last few weeks because of what i am dealing with and need to unleash.

ok so here goes.....i always had this picture of pud going to school as this monumental event. i would send him off and he would do so well. we are so far from well it is killing me. pud is having a rough time adjusting. i really did think it was adjusting to a larger classroom, new teacher and just the atmosphere as a whole. well it isn't. tomorrow we enter the 4th week of school and pud won't be there. i met last week to talk to some people at the school because of his behavior. he has not been able to communicate when he is angry. which makes me laugh still to this day because he has had NO problem telling me! the difference - his class is 20 kids and at home its just him. we worked on some goals, strategies, and "discipline" actions to impose on him. jacob is no different from any other child. he is sensitive and doesn't like to know you are mad at him by you raising your voice. he is ok knowing you are mad but shuts down when you raise your voice. hell i can understand that because honestly folks who the f*ck likes to be yelled at???? and you are lying if you say you don't care. this just fuels the fire for him. he basically goes from 0 to 10 in seconds and deescalating takes some time. he has spent a significant amount of time outside of the classroom with certain people because of this. the observer that came in was able to pinpoint certain times of day that his temper is more likely to be worse than others. she even said that mondays are the worst for him. he doesn't really have a true routine at home on the weekends and then goes to school on monday still in that mentality. i can understand that he has trouble with that, shit i would! the behavior hasn't gotten any better. so now next week starting on tuesday he will be attending this "academy" to work on socialization skills. he will be there from tuesday thru friday.

thursday i got the phone call (much like i had since day one) which said it might be best for jacob to just come home. he was really struggling and just needed to come down. so i went to get him. of course i was on my way to an appointment because lets remember folks that in order for us to have a nice house, truck, and all those freaking toys I HAVE TO WORK!!! but i told them i would be there to pick him up right away. i have gotten over being angry when i get a phone call because i am resolved to the fact that he can't control it. think of a kid with ADHD (i HATE labels but work with me ok), they can't sit still for any amount of time, they seem to have more energy in their little bodies than if someone who didn't have it ate an extra large pixie stick straw!!! well pud is just like that only with his temper. my mother, god love her, found this article which talked about uncontrollable displaced temper. i have taken the liberty of diagnosing pud with this. he fit every symptom to the T. i read examples and damn if they didn't match what pud was doing. so how can i be made it someone who can't control this. i can't! that is what kills me! i want to be so angry with him for not listening or crawling under the table or throwing a temper tantrum while every child in the whole school watcher. but i can't! so what do i do??? i come home and just be sad that i can't just fix it. so anyways, i brought him home and we briefly talked about what happened.

when i was in the office signing the paperwork to bring him home the resource teacher was telling me what happened. i will spare you the details because well just because. the thing that made me so very mad was that she was telling me all of this stuff in front of pud. one thing that you will NEVER find me do is talk about him in front of him. i think it is rude and just reemphasizes the behavior. so we won't be doing that anymore!

i had a lot of time to think thursday since i picked him up before they had lunch! i immediately got to searching for ways to resolve this. i made it my mission to find my own cure-all for my sweet boy. i knew that we had back to school night later that night and would be able to talk to the principal. let me just say that i have only ever met one other principal that i have admired so much. pud is very lucky to have him watching out and on his side!

i decided that i needed to make it a formal request to have jacob switched to a different teacher. back in march i told them what type of teacher he would do well with. they didn't listen so this is where we are now. i emailed the principal and at school later that night i asked to speak with him. i wanted more information on this program is must attend next week and to discuss switching teachers. he was all about it. he wants to try anything he can to make this a successful year for pud. so we are going to make plans to meet on tuesday to discuss the move.

friday was a f*cking nightmare! it was grandparents day for the KG's so mom was going to go and have lunch with pud. i of course got the call that things were just not going too well today. the resource teacher said that she didn't think it would be appropriate for mom to have lunch with him and i should call to stop her from coming. well hey honey it was already 10:20am and considering they eat lunch at 10:30am there was no time to stop her. i felt so bad for mom. she walked right into WW3. she told him that she couldn't stay. she said he was crying so bad and saying no no no and clinging to her. you would think that she was throwing him to the wolves. part of that display was because he loves his grandma more than anyone in the entire world and thought maybe that would get her to stay or just take him with her. she didn't stay long and cried on the phone to me that she felt so bad for him. i hated that school did that to her. i understand why they did it and know that if she hadn't shown up to tell him, he would have thought she just forgot. so it was a catch 22 for her.

the nice thing is that school did call her and tell her that pud was fine about 10min after she left and gave hugs and got his lunch. i debating for an hour whether or not to go and get him. i decided not to because i needed to make some more phone calls. this time was to find someone for him to talk to. i have decided to get him involved in play therapy. my best friend is a social worker and lives by this. and i don't trust to many peoples opinions but if she says do it, i will do it! so i found this wonderful facility and spoke with the play therapist about what she does and how it works. she sounds so delightful. i hope that she can figure out why he is so angry? we go to this on wednesday for our first appt. i am also going to have her speak with the school to get some feedback on what they have experienced.

please pray for pud that this is the best decision for him....

as a mother you only want the best for your child. you want to make sure they do well in everything they try. you want to make sure they have friends to play with. you want to make sure they know they are so loved no matter what. you want them to understand that the choices they make have rewards or consequences that follow. you want for them to know how to love others they way you have loved them.

i never said this would be easy. i knew it wouldn't. it's funny to....i tell a very good friend of mine that things might be different if i was married or i had a man in my life - shit even if pud had a man in his life. my friend says he doesn't believe that would solve everything. i am not saying it would solve the concerns but it might, just maybe help minimize them just a little bit. don't you? i don't have any men in my life that are constant or that i even trust as a role model for my son. that is the sad thing. i am mom and dad collectively. funny that sometimes mom and dad fight in my head over what to do!

i am hoping that this week turns out to be just a hair better than the last 3. damn we can only go up from here! i believe in you pud! i know you want everyone to see what a wonderfully smart and talented boy you are! they will sweetie, i promise!

can you ever run out of everything? yes but when i am running low - i look at the most precious treasure i have - JCF aka pud!

whoa the week is finally over....

and i can't believe that i survived it! no really it wasn't all that bad. jacob did have some issues at school but had 3 great days too! so that is what i am looking at! i am meeting with the child study group on monday. jo, director at hatcher, said to be prepared to be scared and ganged up on because all of the people that will be in the room. let's see there will be: the principal, school counselor, teacher, resource teacher, school pshychologist and.....................me. wow i do feel a little ganged up on! but im ready for them. hell i may just bring my own social worker - oh goodness i forgot about her too! i have been doing my research and have found some good things to discuss with them.

so this week we had to put the family cat down. wow she has been with us for a long time! she was 19yo and has been through it all! i got her when we moved into our first townhouse after my parents split up. oh my goodness, i remember adopting her and when we brought her home i wanted to give her a bath. well she had been in that cage with all those other kittens and she smelled. well lets just say that was THE ONLY time she got a bath. but the best part was after the bath. i wrapped her up in a towel and we went to bed. i remember looking at her with her head on my pillow, still wrapped in the towel, and her lil paws sticking out! it was awesome! she was perfect! so throughout the next 19yrs she went through it all with us. babies, dogs, visiting dogs, family members. gosh i can't believe she kept up with all those changes!!!

so anyway, mom called me monday night to tell me erma's favorite hiding spots - ok when i say hiding spots let me preface that she is blind, so any spot that she can find is considered a "hiding" spot. so i get to mom's at 3:30 and want to spend a lil time with erma lee fisk before i take her to the vet. so i check the corners, under the chair, under the hutch, and even upstairs ~ NO ERMA! so i make the phone call to mom. i can't find the cat mom, i said. she couldn't believe it. i told her i had looked everywhere but couldn't find her. mom still was in disbelief. ok seriously by this time i was running out of time and quickly! it was 4:15pm and we had to be at the vet at 5pm. mom asked if i had looked on the side of the fridge - yes, in jacobs toy box - yes. by now it is almost 5pm and i have to cancel the appt. i called the vet and told them that i had an appt to put my cat down but guess what, i can't find her. ok im not even lying when i say, they thought i was kidding! ok seriously this is hard enough without the jokes miss thang!!! she said to call in the morning IF i find her and they will SQUEEZE us in! oh and after she was a complete jerk she finished it up with if you do find her why don't you confine so you won't lose her again. WELL THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS EXPERIENCE SO PLEASANT BIAAATCH!!!

ok so mom gets home and guess what - she finds her BEHIND the fridge! how in the heck did she get back there? anyway i told mom to call the vet right now so she can get an appt. everyone kept telling me she is hiding because she is looking for a place to die. well i couldn't let her die behind the fridge and i couldn't let her die in pain. mom made the appt for 10:30am the next day. she took her and actually held her in the operating room when the did the procedure. mom said that dr. e said she went in like 2 seconds. that tells her she was ready to go. mom held her until it was over with and now she is in a better place.

i love you erma lee f. you were such a great kitty! your purrr was so loud and you were so cuddly! rest in peace....give nugget a kiss for jacob!

never say never......really just don't

ok so i have to just write about this because i can't believe that it has really happened. let me get you up to speed with the stars of this blog....my aunt, her brother and soon to be ex wife, her other brother and sister. Her brother and soon to be ex wife (we will call him loco and her mohanna) have been together for some 20+ years and now have decided that it just isn't going to work anymore. they also have a 20+y.o. daughter who goes to college in nc.

ok so the week before last my aunts brother, smartie, received a phone call from mohanna that loco was very depressed and they needed to come down and see him. so my aunt (we will call her loria), smartie and her sister (we will call her fina) got in the car and went down to charlotte to see loco. well when they got there, loco wasn't depressed he was wondering what the heck has happened. see loco, who is in his 50's, has a girlfriend, who is in her 40's and apparently SHE IS PREGNANT!!!! yep that is right - the man who isn't even divorced yet has gotten his girlfriend prego! WTF!!!! who knew that he still had some guys swimming around, because lord only knows the last time they were released! haha - sorry i just couldn't resist! and the best part is - they are keeping the baby! so they are apparently really happy about the baby - um ok whatever.

wait it gets better - so they spend the weekend down there IN SHOCK! and on the way back i guess mohanna calls them upset because they didn't stop by to see her! REALLY, ok now i know that she has always been a lil self centered but for once could you please just set aside your feelings for someone else??? i mean i love her and all but come on!

my mom called me tonight to tell me all of this, so i hope that i got the story straight??!! seriously though, when she told me i honestly had to get off the phone because i couldn't believe it. i couldn't believe that loco and his girlfriend are having a baby. i can't believe that his soon to be ex wife was the one to call smartie. this is just all too strange.

jacob and hayden

hayden, jacob's best friend, called today and asked if jacob could come over and play. jacob hadn't seen hayden since the thursday before school started. so they were both having withdrawls! so mrs. chris and ms. rebekah worked up a plan....i took jacob over to hayden's house so they could go to kangaroo jacks. i didn't mention that it had been raining for the last 8 hours - actually raining is putting it lightly - it was a freak'n monsoon outside!!! our front yard was a pool and there was no way to avoid walking thru it!

- side note - it was so bad this morning that jacob put on his bathing suit and played in the pool in our front yard! it was some major puddle jumping - god he loves that!

ok back to hayden and jacob - chris was going to be the brave soul and take hayden, jacob and nicholas to kangaroo jacks to play for the afternoon. she said they had such a great time! they probably spent 3hrs up there and then went back to their house and played some more. jacob was so excited he got to play at their house because he got to show hayden that he was in the boys bike club now. jacob learned to ride his 2 wheeler last weekend and has been wanting to show hayden! hayden was so happy for jacob and told him that too!

so about 5:30 i picked him up and took him to mamaws house for the saturday night date!

i think that hayden and nicholas are coming over next saturday for the day.....3 very crazy boys in bek's house WOW!!! wish me luck!

let's try this again....

i tried to keep up with one of these blogs before but just got too busy and couldn't do it! But I am going to try again because now I want to make sure that I have stuff that happens with Jacob documented! Good or bad I want it in writing. Lol!

Jacob started kindergarten this past week and well he has seen better days. I knew it was going to be an adjustment but I had no idea how hard it would be. Tuesday he was so excited! He got up early tuesday morning just so he could get ready. He was such a big boy walking into the auditorium to sit with the other kids. I was fine until I got up to the doors of the auditorium when he yelled, "bye mommy, i love you!" Yep that did it for me. I had to get the heck out of there before everyone who wasn't crying saw me crying! anyway back to jacob and the intensity of a new school. Jacob is the type of person who is very strong willed, strong minded, stubborn and likes to have his way. Some people call that the only child syndrome. I call it, his mothers child dilemna! Thus started the testing of just how far he could push his teacher before she cracked. I won't go into details, but just know that tuesday was not a good day. Who am I kidding, the whole week was not good. It did get better by the end of the week and the phone calls stopped but the emails started. I am definitely NOT one of those parents who just drops their kid off at school and lets the teachers handle any problems that happen. Nope not me. I am very hands on because I want Jacob to succeed. I am always in touch with the teachers and principal. i think that surprises them that i want to help so much.

so the week was really hard for me. i blocked out everyone and everything because i needed to focus on jacob. i wish this was a quick fix. i mean i wish i knew why he takes things so personally??? i wish i knew why he got so upset if something doesn't go his way??? he is so very smart and the teachers can see that, they want him to excel this year. so we are working together to come up with a plan.

so anyway on to happier things....jacob started riding the bus to school wednesday. HE LOVES IT!!! he loves going to the corner with mommy and sassie and just hanging out with the other kids. there are 4 other kids at the bus stop. the nice thing is that it is right outside our door! i know school is only 3 blocks away but he loves this so very much!

i know he will do great and it does take time.....so i will be patient and continue to work with the teachers and principal.

MY PUD IS ALL BOY AND THERE IS NO DENYING THAT!!!!!!