can you ever run out of everything....?

let me start by saying that i am not going to use this next post for pity on myself or sympathy or whatever else you want to call it. i simply need a way to get it off my chest without having to say it aloud.

can you ever run out of everything? that is my question these days. i mean can you run out of the drive, the will power, the push to keep things looking up. or how about the energy to keep it up? the answer is YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! as a parent you have no choice - well my beliefs say you have no choice. you work to make your child better than you are. you do whatever it takes to help them succeed in life. no matter how many sleepless nights worrying if tomorrow he will get thru circle time without needing attention or how many times a day you cry because all you want is for him to collect all his smiley faces. so yes i can run out of everything i have but i continue no matter what because i can't imagine my pud not making it.

i haven't written in a few weeks because well i have been running on fumes. i have thought long and hard about even putting any of this in print because of what people might think. i know it sounds stupid but if you know me, you know i am a pleaser. i do for the good of others. i love to make others happy and smile no matter at what cost. i try to create this perfect image of me and my family that it is driving me fucking insane! please excuse the curse words...i must warn you that i have been very sad and angry over the last few weeks because of what i am dealing with and need to unleash.

ok so here goes.....i always had this picture of pud going to school as this monumental event. i would send him off and he would do so well. we are so far from well it is killing me. pud is having a rough time adjusting. i really did think it was adjusting to a larger classroom, new teacher and just the atmosphere as a whole. well it isn't. tomorrow we enter the 4th week of school and pud won't be there. i met last week to talk to some people at the school because of his behavior. he has not been able to communicate when he is angry. which makes me laugh still to this day because he has had NO problem telling me! the difference - his class is 20 kids and at home its just him. we worked on some goals, strategies, and "discipline" actions to impose on him. jacob is no different from any other child. he is sensitive and doesn't like to know you are mad at him by you raising your voice. he is ok knowing you are mad but shuts down when you raise your voice. hell i can understand that because honestly folks who the f*ck likes to be yelled at???? and you are lying if you say you don't care. this just fuels the fire for him. he basically goes from 0 to 10 in seconds and deescalating takes some time. he has spent a significant amount of time outside of the classroom with certain people because of this. the observer that came in was able to pinpoint certain times of day that his temper is more likely to be worse than others. she even said that mondays are the worst for him. he doesn't really have a true routine at home on the weekends and then goes to school on monday still in that mentality. i can understand that he has trouble with that, shit i would! the behavior hasn't gotten any better. so now next week starting on tuesday he will be attending this "academy" to work on socialization skills. he will be there from tuesday thru friday.

thursday i got the phone call (much like i had since day one) which said it might be best for jacob to just come home. he was really struggling and just needed to come down. so i went to get him. of course i was on my way to an appointment because lets remember folks that in order for us to have a nice house, truck, and all those freaking toys I HAVE TO WORK!!! but i told them i would be there to pick him up right away. i have gotten over being angry when i get a phone call because i am resolved to the fact that he can't control it. think of a kid with ADHD (i HATE labels but work with me ok), they can't sit still for any amount of time, they seem to have more energy in their little bodies than if someone who didn't have it ate an extra large pixie stick straw!!! well pud is just like that only with his temper. my mother, god love her, found this article which talked about uncontrollable displaced temper. i have taken the liberty of diagnosing pud with this. he fit every symptom to the T. i read examples and damn if they didn't match what pud was doing. so how can i be made it someone who can't control this. i can't! that is what kills me! i want to be so angry with him for not listening or crawling under the table or throwing a temper tantrum while every child in the whole school watcher. but i can't! so what do i do??? i come home and just be sad that i can't just fix it. so anyways, i brought him home and we briefly talked about what happened.

when i was in the office signing the paperwork to bring him home the resource teacher was telling me what happened. i will spare you the details because well just because. the thing that made me so very mad was that she was telling me all of this stuff in front of pud. one thing that you will NEVER find me do is talk about him in front of him. i think it is rude and just reemphasizes the behavior. so we won't be doing that anymore!

i had a lot of time to think thursday since i picked him up before they had lunch! i immediately got to searching for ways to resolve this. i made it my mission to find my own cure-all for my sweet boy. i knew that we had back to school night later that night and would be able to talk to the principal. let me just say that i have only ever met one other principal that i have admired so much. pud is very lucky to have him watching out and on his side!

i decided that i needed to make it a formal request to have jacob switched to a different teacher. back in march i told them what type of teacher he would do well with. they didn't listen so this is where we are now. i emailed the principal and at school later that night i asked to speak with him. i wanted more information on this program is must attend next week and to discuss switching teachers. he was all about it. he wants to try anything he can to make this a successful year for pud. so we are going to make plans to meet on tuesday to discuss the move.

friday was a f*cking nightmare! it was grandparents day for the KG's so mom was going to go and have lunch with pud. i of course got the call that things were just not going too well today. the resource teacher said that she didn't think it would be appropriate for mom to have lunch with him and i should call to stop her from coming. well hey honey it was already 10:20am and considering they eat lunch at 10:30am there was no time to stop her. i felt so bad for mom. she walked right into WW3. she told him that she couldn't stay. she said he was crying so bad and saying no no no and clinging to her. you would think that she was throwing him to the wolves. part of that display was because he loves his grandma more than anyone in the entire world and thought maybe that would get her to stay or just take him with her. she didn't stay long and cried on the phone to me that she felt so bad for him. i hated that school did that to her. i understand why they did it and know that if she hadn't shown up to tell him, he would have thought she just forgot. so it was a catch 22 for her.

the nice thing is that school did call her and tell her that pud was fine about 10min after she left and gave hugs and got his lunch. i debating for an hour whether or not to go and get him. i decided not to because i needed to make some more phone calls. this time was to find someone for him to talk to. i have decided to get him involved in play therapy. my best friend is a social worker and lives by this. and i don't trust to many peoples opinions but if she says do it, i will do it! so i found this wonderful facility and spoke with the play therapist about what she does and how it works. she sounds so delightful. i hope that she can figure out why he is so angry? we go to this on wednesday for our first appt. i am also going to have her speak with the school to get some feedback on what they have experienced.

please pray for pud that this is the best decision for him....

as a mother you only want the best for your child. you want to make sure they do well in everything they try. you want to make sure they have friends to play with. you want to make sure they know they are so loved no matter what. you want them to understand that the choices they make have rewards or consequences that follow. you want for them to know how to love others they way you have loved them.

i never said this would be easy. i knew it wouldn't. it's funny to....i tell a very good friend of mine that things might be different if i was married or i had a man in my life - shit even if pud had a man in his life. my friend says he doesn't believe that would solve everything. i am not saying it would solve the concerns but it might, just maybe help minimize them just a little bit. don't you? i don't have any men in my life that are constant or that i even trust as a role model for my son. that is the sad thing. i am mom and dad collectively. funny that sometimes mom and dad fight in my head over what to do!

i am hoping that this week turns out to be just a hair better than the last 3. damn we can only go up from here! i believe in you pud! i know you want everyone to see what a wonderfully smart and talented boy you are! they will sweetie, i promise!

can you ever run out of everything? yes but when i am running low - i look at the most precious treasure i have - JCF aka pud!